SCOTT: You do realize your’e not on TV, right?

STEVE: No.

SCOTT: You’re not on TV.

STEVE (facing somewhere between heaven and the camera):The problem with Scott is that he just doesn’t understand the nature of reality. He’s a good guy. Really, he is. He just doesn’t get that in any infinitely sized object, every point is the center point. In this infinitely large universe, I am, therefore, the center of the universe.

SCOTT: You know I can hear you, right?

STEVE: Scott, all this witless banter is making me thirsty, go get me a cup of coffee.

SCOTT: Dude.

STEVE (looking at Scott with one eyebrow raised)

SCOTT: Fine. I wanted one anyway. You’re ridiculous.

STEVE (looking at the camera): Someday he’ll understand.

[Themesong Music & Credits start to roll]

[Title in “Comic Lettering”: Episode 1: The pilot]

Scene 2:

[On a random dock, at a random nameless lake, somewhere in the Northeastern Part of North America]

STEVE [casting with a crappy little-kid “Hello Kitty” fishing pole and reel] You know the world would be a happier place if there were a male version of Hello Kitty.

MIKE [changing a lure and casting his very expensive manly spincaster on a nifty graphite rod]: No it wouldn’t.

STEVE: Sure it would. Gender is cool. Almost everyone I know has one.

MIKE [Rolling his eyes]: That was almost the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

STEVE: But not the actual stupidest?

MIKE: It might have been.

STEVE: But you’re not sure?

[A fish hits Steve’s line]

MIKE [Indicating with his eyes where STEVE should be looking]

STEVE: I’d think, if it were the actual ‘stupidest thing you ever heard’ [making air quotes with one hand] you’d remember.

[the back of a fish at least as big as STEVE swirls around in front of the dock]

MIKE (eyes bugging out): [pointing with his rod]

STEVE: It’s not that Hello Kitty has to be female, persay, it’s just that it is defacto girlish.

MIKE: [gesturing wildly with his rod]

STEVE: [Turning toward the space between the camera and heaven] I’m not sure he is aware just how phallic that whole motion is.

MIKE: [Primal Scream]

STEVE: [reels in his line] I guess I had a bite, the baits gone.

Scene 3:

[In a random cube farm in a random business somewhere in a generically accented North American City]

MIKE: I’m telling you, the fish was bigger than him.

SCOTT: Don’t exaggerate. It’s bad enough I have to listen to him 9hrs a day, 5 days a week, 50 weeks a year until I die. Don’t make it worse. For the love of God, don’t make it worse.

MIKE [Somewhere between exasperated and devastated]: I. Really — never mind.

SCOTT: Did you catch anything.

MIKE [Banging head against his desk hard enough that his phone goes off the hook and randomly dials NIALL at the Customer Service desk]

NIALL: (over the speaker phone) Hi Mike, what do you need?

SCOTT: I don’t think he meant to call you NIALL, he was just banging his head against his desk and it happened.

NIALL: (over speaker phone) [a loud sigh then a dial tone]

STEVE: Why is MIKE banging his head against his desk?

SCOTT: He didn’t catch any fish.

STEVE: [Turns to the space between the camera and heaven] It’s not easy for everyone to understand the way the universe works. MIKE has a hard time seeing the truth of things – fishing isn’t supposed to be so stressful. The man needs to learn to relax.

MIKE: [Primal Scream]

SCOTT (Looks at STEVE then at MIKE): MIKE, do you need a coffee?

MIKE: [grunts]

Scene 4:

[At a coffee shop across the street from the generic business where STEVE works]

STEVE: I’d like a small black coffee with extra black.

KID BEHIND COUNTER: Extra black?

STEVE: Yes please.

KID BEHIND COUNTER: I have no idea what that means.

STEVE: Well, I like my coffee black.

KID BEHIND COUNTER: Ok. I can do that.

STEVE: Great, can you add some extra black to it? I think that’s the part I like.

KID BEHIND COUNTER: [Vacant Stare]

PILOT: Stop screwing with the kid, some of us are in a hurry.

STEVE: I don’t think it’ll take him any extra time to give me extra black.

PILOT: THere is no such thing as..

STEVE: OF course there is.

PILOT: No there isn’t.

STEVE: Are you saying that the coffee he will serve me will be completely opaque?

PILOT: What the hell is wrong with you?

STEVE: Nothing, I just want extra black.

PILOT: You’re an idiot.

STEVE [Turns toward space between camera and heaven]: The problem here is that time is really a matter of perception. Regardless whether Einstein is right or wrong, it is a fact that if you’re waiting for something, time slows and if you need to be somewhere, time speeds up. I think it has situational awareness.

PILOT: You stupid son of a…. [making a fist with his right hand and readying it for a swing]

KID BEHIND THE COUNTER: Here you go sir

STEVE: [Turning back to the counter reaching into his pocket for change, drops a quarter and bends down to get it.

PILOT [swinging at STEVE’s head misses and catches the KID BEHIND THE COUNTER right in the nose]

Scene 5:

[In front of the Coffee Shop with the KID BEHIND THE COUNTER and the PILOT separated and talking to police in the background.]

POLICE [With a notepad]: Extra Black?

STEVE: Yessir.

POLICE: Is that some sort of racial thing? Are you trying to start trouble?

STEVE: No sir.

POLICE: What does it even mean?

STEVE: My friend SCOTT got me a coffee the other day, and I was thinking how it would taste better if it were blacker. So, today, when I got here, I thought I’d just ask for extra black.

POLICE: Are you retarded?

STEVE: If I were, would I know?

POLICE: Are you sassing me?

STEVE: I think I”m a bit too manly to sass.

POLICE: [Pauses, takes a deep breath]: TEll me what happened.

STEVE: When? [Turns to the space between the camera and Heaven] This is the problem with narrative, there is no beginning or end. Everything is middle. Everything is past tense.

POLICE: What the hell is wrong with you? Do you need to be brought in for observation?

PILOT [Yelling over from behind] See! Do you see what I mean, the man is a lunatic.

STEVE: No sir.

POLICE: So what happened here?

STEVE: I didn’t see anything. I bent down to pick up a quarter and that man hit the kid behind the counter.

POLICE: So you turned and missed the entire exchange?

STEVE: Yes sir.

POLICE: Get out of here. I’ve got your info, if we need you, we’ll call.

SCENE 6:

[By the reception desk of a nameless business in a nameless town somewhere in North America]

NIALL: The kid still has the shiner.

SCOTT: Yeah, I saw that. Did you hear what he said?

NIALL: I just heard he caused the whole thing and that the owner asked him not to come in again.

SCOTT: He asked for extra black in his coffee?

NIALL: Freakin’ racist pig!

SCOTT: I don’t think black coffee is racist.

NIALL: It sounds racist.

SCOTT: Yeah, but I am pretty sure ordering black coffee isn’t racist.

NIALL: But with EXTRA BLACK??? No wonder they don’t want him back in there.

SCOTT: Dude’s not right.

NIALL: True that.

[Door opens]

PILOT: I’m looking for a STEVE?

NIALL: Can I ask what this is about?

PILOT: I Just need to give him some paperwork.

NIALL: One second. [Dial’s STEVE] Steve? Yeah, there’s someone here with paperwork for you?

NIALL: He’ll be right down. You can wait right over there. [Points to a couch]

PILOT: Thank you.

[Elevator dings and STEVE steps off]

STEVE [tilts head]: Can I help you?

PILOT: My therapist told me I should apologize to you.

STEVE: For what?

PILOT: For trying to take a swing at you.

STEVE: You didn’t hit me though.

PILOT: Still, I tried. I”m sorry about that.

STEVE: Don’t worry about it.

PILOT: I heard you can’t get coffee over there anymore?

STEVE: At least for now. They think I’m racist.

PILOT [nodding]

STEVE: What can you do? I think if there were some masculine version fo Hello Kitty a lot of this could have been avoided.

PILOT [opens mouth, then closes it]

STEVE: I think it’s just a gender thing.

PILOT: Whatever you say. Hey, I just wanted to give you this and tell you how sorry I am about what happened.
[Hands STEVE an envelope]

STEVE: What’s this?

PILOT: Just a little something something.

STEVE: A plane ticket?

PILOT: [Shrugs] See ya. [Walks out]

NIALL: WHere’s it to?

STEVE: Anywhere.

SCENE 7:

[On a random dock on a random lake in a random part of North America]

STEVE [casting his Hello KItty fishing pole]: Maybe Smurfs are the answer.

MIKE [Changing his lure] What’s the question?

SCOTT: There is no answer.

MIKE: I have an extra pole if you want to fish SCOTT.

SCOTT [shrugs and then looks at STEVE]: How was Paris?

STEVE [Turns to the space between the Camera and Heaven] Every place is really no better or worse than any other place. This is difficult for most people to accept, but it is a fact. There is nothing intrinsically better about one location in spacetime over another.

SCOTT: You do know you’re not on TV, right?

MIKE: I don’t think he thinks he’s on TV, I think he thinks he’s God.

STEVE: Paris was fine. I think I learned something important.

SCOTT: Oh God.

MIKE: What?

STEVE: Smurfs are the masculine Hello Kitty.

SCOTT: Why is that important?

STEVE: It answers some of my questions about gender roles in modern society.

MIKE: What questions?

SCOTT: Why would you ask that?

MIKE [shrugging loudly]

STEVE: I think smurfs represent the violence inherent in masculine identity, where Hello Kitty exposes the peaceful nature of the feminine.

SCOTT: Dude, smurfs are not violent.

MIKE: He’s right.

STEVE [Turns to the space between heaven and the camera] Clearly they’re not comfortable with their sexuality.

[the giant fish whirls in front of the dock]

MIKE & SCOTT stare at the fish as STEVE casts again.

[THEME MUSIC AND CREDITS ROLL]